Warning: I ramble a lot, sometimes I talk to much, please don't take offense to anything I say; I never mean to offend anyone but have come to realize sometimes the longer I keep my mouth open the more feelings get hurt.
Even though I have a lot more responsibilities and duties at the age I am, I believe the teenage years are the hardest possible years of someones life. Youth is the first time in life that one really looks hard into themself and asks, "Who Am I?". What an extremely difficult question. "What is my soul, spirit, beliefs, faith, values, and what things to I really enjoy and want to do with my life?". The only time not spent on finding oneself is the endless school nights spent on five paragraph essays.
I went though a lot of inner turmoil for several years. I believed myself to have great faith in God, I went to church and religious events an unusual portion of my time and church camp every year. Not just any camp: a camp that I listened to teachings during the day and cried out to God after very emotional worship and preaching services at night. I was not the only one. My brother and my youth group were my closest friends and all went through this together(we all fell hard together also). I prayed consistently for God to tell me what to do with my life, but although I do believe God has spoken to me throughout my life, I do not believe the answers I got were God-given but self created. Every time I asked I got a different answer and it was usually what I had been thinking about doing at that time. Seven years later I am still at a loss for what I really want for a career; however, I still want what I wanted when I was four years old on vacation sitting in a hotel room with my mom. She told me how when I grow up I can be anything I want to be in the whole world, and after many explanations that I could be a firewomen or doctor or preacher I still only wanted one thing. I angrily told her again "I just want to be a mommy!". And still, more than any career, I want to be a mother. I am not desperate to be pregnant, but I am at peace to wait to really find my career until I have had the joy of having my children.
"What about your faith?" you may wonder. Well this subject really does mean a lot to me, but is hard for me to express to others. I find myself open minded, not necessarily on what I believe, but I feel like I need to understand what others believe and why in order to really understand my own beliefs. I believe in God and the Trinity, and that Jesus is the son of God and died for our failings so we might be able to be in communication with God like man once had. I believe the Holy Spirit is the way we are able to as our comforter and communicator and many other things. I believe in speaking in tongues and have been able to since I was five, when I prayed to accept the holy spirit and speaking in tongues, sitting in the floor of our blue van. I personally have understood speaking in tongues to be for two things: 1. God speaking through us to those we would not otherwise be able to speak to and 2. for us to be able to pray for someone and speak to God when we have fear in our heart and do not no why. Such as, I have been impressed strongly in my spirit to pray for someone I have not spoken to in a long time; I didn't have a clue what was wrong in their life and had nothing to say in English to pray for them for, so instead I would pray in tongues and let the holy spirit speak through me on the behalf of someone who needed prayer. No I don't understand completely how the trinity works and I don't believe we weren't meant to yet. I think a lot of things about God are way over our heads, and I'm fine with that, I mean why should WE understand GOD!?! Now as far as church itself goes I think its a good thing, I think its purpose is fellowship with others who believe what we believe and support in our faith. However, I haven't found a church home yet where I feel comfortable and right now I am not really in the mood to look. So I have shortcomings..oh well. OH oh ya, I am the granddaughter of a faith teacher and I do believe your words have a major impact on your life and what God is able to do with your life. I try to be careful what I say, but sometimes I cuss like a sailor too. I also don't have a problem with the big bang theory, why? because I know the one part that they scientists need to complete it. What started it? God's words. If our words can move mountains, think of what God's can do. Sometimes I am afraid to speak of my beliefs in God, but it is because I am not an expert these are my opinions beliefs and thoughts, I have ideas what heaven is, but really I have no clue about any of it and I like it that way.
I went through years and years of trying to find myself as a teenager. What did I find? That's the best part: I don't know. My career I accepted that I will discover later. My beliefs in God I happily take as my own. I still have to reinvent myself every few years. Life is constantly changing and you have to change with it. All of life cannot be deep thoughts into your beliefs and values. Most of the time you live day to day enjoying the company of family and friends, and forcing yourself to go to work and do laundry. Sometimes it makes me feel shallow not dwelling in the depths of my mind and writing poetry or painting dreadful paintings. But I can't help it; I like bright colors, cartoons, and giggling with friends over absolutely nothing. I also deal with depression on and off, where I would much rather be alone and cry and dwell in my unjustified misery. I hate being overweight yet much of my thoughts are wasted on food. This is who I am and I will continue changing and staying the same as my life goes on. Everything in my past has created who I am now, including my English teachers who gave me the ability to write a blog.
