lonely days

I am thinking about when I was younger and decided I needed to live on my own, before I ended up getting married and never experiencing it. I was excited and scared, I have great memories from it. I grew a lot. i learned what it was like to be alone. It was probably also the loneliest and hardest thing I ever went through for a time.

I am a people person most of the time. I surround myself in friendship and family, I need it. But sometimes you also need to learn how to survive on your own. I spent a lot of time in my apartment crying in the hallway laying on the floor. Desperately texting friends to see what they were up to, but never calling because i never wanted to sound like the desperate being I was.

I specifically remember about a 3 week period that I cried almost every night. When my friends left, when I couldn't find plans. Then one day.. I was ok. I didn't need to make plans. I enjoyed my independence, my lack of plans, the ability to just be.

I wouldn't be the same person without that learning period. This may all seem weird or rambly, but its kinda more of a remembrance journal entry kind of thing for me right now. Its been a long time since I was that alone 19 year old. Sometimes I find myself some time alone. An hour here or there. Sometimes I need it and it makes me happy. Sometimes I need it, but don't want it when I get it.